


Safe And Sound

by RowanBaines



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Sexual Violence, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-01
Updated: 2013-11-05
Packaged: 2017-12-31 03:22:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1026671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RowanBaines/pseuds/RowanBaines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kirk is captured and tortured he escapes into his memories, reflecting back on his relationship with Spock.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a bit dark at times (Kirk is being tortured, after all) so proceed with caution.

Captain James Kirk spat out the blood that had pooled in his mouth and took a few spluttering breaths before pressing his lips firmly together again. He tried to focus his mind deeply inward in an attempt to block out the stabbing pain of his cracked ribs. It was a pain control method that Spock had tried to teach him but Kirk simply didn’t have the rigid Vulcan control that made the method so effective.

_Spock… Oh god, where are you?_

He tugged lightly at the cuffs that bound his wrists and ankles spread-eagle to the metal slab, causing the unforgiving restraints to cut into his raw skin. The pain of it radiated through his arms and legs, and a small hiss escaped him.

His eyes had long since adjusted to the dark but it was still difficult for him to make out much of the room he was being held in. He was near the thick door that was the only entrance into the room and around it he could make out the steel plating of the walls dotted with heavy rivets.

The only light was provided by a dirty orb that hung directly over his head and its feeble emanations were nonetheless disorienting if he gazed up at it for too long. Kirk preferred to keep his eyes closed, for the most part, so that he could better center himself and so that he would not be tempted to try and guess at the functions of the numerous, cruel-looking instruments that hung on hooks on the walls near the door.

Somewhere in the room came the maddeningly rhythmic drip of water and he wondered if it was done purposely to pluck at his already frayed nerves and set his dry throat burning. He was thirsty. His stomach was tied in knots so that he couldn’t even think about food but his mouth and his throat were badly parched.

_Why wont the bastards give me a little water? They can’t keep up their interrogation if I die from dehydration._

Not wanting to focus on bodily discomforts that he could do nothing to ease he instead turned his attention to the only other perceivable sound besides the dripping of water. It was almost more of a feeling rather than an actual sound but when he focused on it long enough the deep, throbbing hum of warp engines filled his ears.

_Of course they’ll keep me on a ship. And they’ll keep moving, the bastards, knowing that Starfleet will be hot on their heels…_

It was then that Kirk heard the door creak open and he could not suppress an involuntary flinch as his captor strolled in. The man wore the same bored smile that had been plastered on his face since he first introduced himself to Kirk two days or so prior (Kirk had lost track of time in this place).

The man, who called himself Ravai, was tall and well-muscled and though he was humanoid in appearance Kirk had learned from the first beatings he’d been dealt that Ravai’s race were unusually strong and had impressive stamina.

Kirk imagined they could give the Vulcans a run for their money.

Ravai had long platinum blonde hair that he kept tied neatly back and though he was always immaculately dressed in crisp linen shirts and slim vests whenever his first strolled into the room, Kirk knew from experience that by the time Ravai left the room Kirk would have left his mark upon the man’s attire in the form of blood and sweat.

The thought infuriated Kirk and he turned his head away from Ravai, refusing to meet his eyes or even acknowledge him at all. Soon enough, he knew, he would not be able ignore him.

“Are you feeling more talkative now, Captain?” Ravai said, his voice reverberating deeply through the small room.

His voice was smooth, almost gentle, at odds with the cruel set of his sharp features. Sneering lips with a deep cupids bow, a slightly hooked nose, slanted ice-blue eyes, and pale, dramatically arching eyebrows were what Kirk would see if he looked over at the owner of that silky voice.

He did not look.

“Where are they?” Ravai asked, his voice very near now. “I know you think what you are doing is noble, but as long as they are alive their loyalist drones will continue to resist the change that is so vital to the well-being of my world.”

‘They’ were the Prince and Princess of Kovarr, the last two surviving members of the Royal House of Keir. The rest of the Royal family had been brutally killed in an uprising that had been a long time brewing on the economically unstable little world.

The Federation had offered its support, sending scientists to assist with the food shortages caused by crop failures and diplomats to try to negotiate a truce between those loyal to the monarchy and the growing rebel factions but in the end their efforts had been futile. War had broken out and when the palace was stormed and the Royals slaughtered the young Prince Shovai and Princess Sanya had claimed the right of asylum and had been spirited away to safety by the _Enterprise_.

“I know that it was your ship that took them away, Captain. Why do you protect them?”

Kirk felt a firm hand slide onto his chest and could not repress a shudder. His shirt had been torn away and the touch was caressing, intimate, lightly grazing over the still-oozing lashes and pressing harder over the bruises that mottled Kirk’s heaving chest. Kirk didn’t try to hide his revulsion, sneering as he turned his head a little further to the side, glaring into the dark. Ravai paid him no mind, continuing his idle stroking.

_Spock, you must find me. Get me out of here!_

Kirk closed his eyes, fearing he would get no answer, that Spock was simply too far away, but then:

_‘T’hy’la!’_

It was so faint, apprising Kirk of the true extent of the distance between them, and his heart twisted inside him. The thought that he might never see Spock again, that he would die alone on this godforsaken ship in God knows what part of space was a mind-shattering thought. He wanted so badly to have one last moment with Spock, one last stroll across the bridge of the Enterprise, and one last chance to let his crew know how much he appreciated them, how proud he was.

As if in response to his sorrow, a soothing stream of love and reassurance flowed into him, easing his pain and dispersing the cloud of sadness in his mind. It wrapped around him, steadying him, keeping him afloat, and Kirk gave himself up to it, the room around him disappearing.

The strain of reaching across so much space and giving away so much strength must have been great because with a painful abruptness Spock’s presence retreated away from Kirk, though it remained, to Kirk’s relief, stronger than it had been before.

Kirk opened his eyes again when he became aware of Ravai speaking. The crew. He was saying something about Kirk’s crew.

“… So if you don’t want to talk perhaps one of them will be more cooperative. Perhaps your dear friend Doctor McCoy? Or your pretty communications officer, what is her name? Uhura. I bet I could make her talk. I bet I could make her _squeal_.”

“SHUT UP!” Kirk raged, whipping his head around to glare at his captor and not caring that he was breaking his silence, “You won't touch them! You couldn’t get near them if you wanted to, you damned lunatic!”

In the beginning Kirk had tried to reason with the man, he had said everything that Starfleet protocol dictated he should say in such a situation but he had quickly realized it was no use. These people had no intention of letting him go, whether they got the information they wanted or not. Kirk knew this, and felt the despair well up in him again.

“We got _you_ , didn’t we?” Ravai was positively leering at him.

Kirk started to offer a scathing retort when something occurred to him: How did Ravai know about his crew? Even if he had managed to find out who was serving on the Enterprise he could not have known that Doctor McCoy was Kirk’s friend unless someone had told him.

As if sensing Kirk’s thoughts, Ravai smiled wickedly and continued. “That’s right, we know all about you. One of our people boarded your ship along with the Royals and their loyal bootlickers. All of your precautions may have kept him from killing them or learning their destination but it’s only a matter of time before he finds a way of communicating with us again from whatever rock you have stashed them on.”

Kirk was horrified. He had been so careful, keeping their destination secret even from the Prince and Princess until they actually arrived and conveying them to a secluded and heavily shielded area under heavy guard, but that would mean nothing if there was a rebel on the inside. Ravai was right. It was only a matter of time, unless Kirk could get away somehow and warn them.

Ravai loomed over Kirk, “Why prolong the inevitable, Captain? Just give us their location so that we can end this swiftly and you will not suffer anymore.”

Kirk noticed that Ravai did not mention that he would be set free, only that he would not suffer. He had known, of course, but hearing it spoken aloud caused fear to shoot through Kirk. He did not want to die, and his death sentence had just been made official.

Suddenly his fear was replaced by a burning rage.

“Your man will fail. He’ll be caught and you know it, or else why would you be so intent on getting this information from me. I have faith in my people. They’re probably tossing your little spy into a cell as we speak! And you? You can go straight to hell.”

For the first time since Kirk had met him the bored smile melted into something more fierce and cruel.

“Then there is no need for us to talk any further today.” He said, stepping away from Kirk. Ravai moved toward the door and for an agonizingly tense moment Kirk felt a burning hope that Ravai might simply leave the room but then the man veered to the left and stood before the tools hung on the wall, examining them thoughtfully. Kirk’s gut clenched.

_No, of course it wouldn’t be so easy._

Ravai reached his hand up and thoughtfully fingered a coiled whip that hung on a rusted hook. He paused briefly before letting his finger drift over to run lightly along the edge of a large, curved blade. Ravai hesitated a little longer here before his hand lowered, settling finally on an innocuous looking device that had been nestled among many more threatening items on a narrow table against the wall.

When Ravai turned around, the boxy little device held delicately in his hand, the lazy smile had returned to his face.

“This, Captain, is an incredible little device. It is called a Ksarra Box, after the man who invented it. Rasgan Ksarra was a friend of mine, you know, and I learned much from him. If I wanted to cause someone unbearable pain I need only attach the Box to that person, like so.”

He strolled over and pressed the device firmly against Kirk’s aching chest, smirking when Kirk let out a hiss of pain, and tapped a small green button on its face. Kirk had been determined not to cry out but he involuntarily yelped as he felt thick needles driving into him, anchoring the device to him. Kirk had broken out into a sweat and was gritting his teeth against the pain but he did not make a noise when Ravai tugged the device roughly to make sure it was securely attached.

 _Spock_ …

“The needles are curved, helping to hold it in place." He said conversationally, giving it another little tug.

Kirk bit his lip and glared at Ravai.

"Now, if I push these buttons,” He then moved his finger to a set of red buttons and pushed one of them three times, then pushed the other button once, “it will flood your system with a fast-acting chemical compound that will cause your nociceptors to become abnormally sensitized. And this,” Ravai pushed another button, “will send a continuous electrical pulse through your body to stimulate your nerves and compound the effect. It will enhance the ability of your neurons to transmit pain and will cause them to respond so excitably to stimuli that even the lightest touch will cause terrible agony.”

Kirk was relieved when Ravai took his hand off of the device and stepped back, though he was deeply concerned about what would happen next.

“What is the point in doing this? My professional ethics and my own personal morals prevent me from betraying the people we have taken into our protection, so why do you keep trying to beat me into submission? I can’t give you what you want. I CAN’T!” Kirk’s voice rose much louder than he intended with his last words. He knew it was pointless to argue, that this man was a sadist, but he couldn’t just lie silently waiting for the next round of torture.

Ravai smiled serenely and glanced at what appeared to be a chronometer on his wrist. “Very soon we can begin. Are you ready, Captain?”

“You son of a bitch.” Kirk growled, terror tugging at him again as he felt a strange warmth flooding through him. The warmth soon turned to tingling and within a few minutes the prickling sensation had become the stabbing feeling of a thousand tiny needles all over his skin. It hurt, terribly, and Ravai hadn’t even touched him yet.

Where his tattered pants rested against his skin he felt a burning like fire and when Ravai stepped forward and blew softly against Kirk’s face it cracked against him like a slap. Kirk flinched and Ravai laughed, a soft rasping sound.

_Spock, I need you. I’m…_

Kirk couldn’t finish the thought, but if Spock was still touching his mind he didn’t need to finish it. Spock would feel the waves of terror from where he stood on the bridge of the Enterprise and his Vulcan heart might even skip a beat at the force of it. Maybe his breath might catch, his composure faltering in a moment of mutual fear at the loss that was driving down on both of them, threatening to separate them forever.

Ravai reached out, fingers spread, and roughly grabbed Kirk by his hair.

The fire exploded in Kirk’s head, his vision going white with pain.

He screamed. He screamed until his throat was raw and the pain encompassed him so completely that he could not turn inward for even a moment, could not reach out for the one person who could ease his suffering.

Obviously delighted by the human’s response, Ravai began to beat Kirk in earnest.

*

When Kirk came to he tasted blood in his mouth and realized that he had, not for the first time, clamped down on his tongue at some point while he was being beaten. His body was still thrumming with pain, but it wasn't the raging fire that it had been and as long as he didn't move at all he found that he could bear it.

His ears were drawn again to the perpetual drip, drip and for once the sound actually soothed him. He focused on it, drifting away from his body and its pulsating aching.

Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

He didn't want to open his eyes but he didn't need to in order to know that Ravai was not in the room anymore. Ravai had retreated to into the dark several times during his brutal attack on Kirk, giving Kirk just enough time to feel relief at being left alone before he’d suddenly spring back into action.

The silence in the room now was different. It was not pregnant with anticipation and looming torment. He was alone. He _felt_ alone.

He was too tired to mentally reach out to Spock, but he let his thoughts drift to his First Officer and lover.

How much he had come to rely on Spock to keep him steady… Captain Kirk had always been a spirited and strong-willed man, but his association with Spock had given him a more focused direction and smoothed out any rough edges in his personality. Spock made him want to be better.

With Spock he was better.

He had never realized how adrift he’d been until he met Spock. Spock anchored him, checking his reckless impulses and kept him clutched to his Vulcan heart, binding him to life.

True, it had not always been so. Theirs had been a rough start, due to the stresses of the job and frequent misunderstandings but mostly due to Kirk’s inability to give himself up to the relationship. That Spock should have been the more willing participant where emotions were involved amused Kirk now, and, without thinking, he let out a rumbling chuckle.

The small movement caused electric pain to shoot through his chest from where the device was still attached and into his limbs. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter and, determined for a respite from his physical misery, dove deeper into his memories.

_God, I was so foolish. And so fortunate. Spock… Stay…_

* * *

**_\- Two Years Earlier -_ **

The Lord Chancellor of Hassian swept onto the terrace where the five Starfleet officers stood in a loose semi-circle and threw out his arms in an encompassing gesture.

“Gentleman! I’m sure you did not intend to leave without proper farewells.” the Chancellor said. The fading glow of Hassian’s type K star made the Chancellor’s sallow complexion look particularly jaundiced, Kirk thought.

“Of course not, Chancellor.” Kirk lied smoothly. They had been in the process of taking their leave when the Chancellor had been called away, and as far as Kirk was concerned proper etiquette had been observed and there was no reason for a drawn out farewell.

“Ah, good! We have enjoyed having you here, all of you. We enjoyed it immensely,” The Chancellor said, gazing at Spock as he continued, “And we look forward to furthering our relationship with you and your Federation.”

Catching a glimpse of Kirk’s icy features, Spock provided the response that decorum required, obviously concerned that Kirk would not, “Of course, Chancellor, we are gratified by your interest in the Federation and look forward to establishing further relations with your world.”

Kirk almost choked out a bitter laugh at what he thought was obscene subtext in their exchange but managed to control himself and merely huffed so quietly that only Spock caught the sound. He saw Spock’s eyebrow creep up ever so slightly.

“Captain Kirk, might I borrow your First Officer for a moment?” The Chancellor asked, steepling his long fingers and finally meeting Kirk’s eyes.

“Please.” Kirk said, waving his hand toward Spock and then backing away. “Spock, let us know when you’re ready to beam up. Chancellor.” He nodded stiffly to the Chancellor but managed a smile this time. The Chancellor wasted no time, his hand catching one of Spock’s elbows and leading him back inside the large, opulent chamber, one of many in The Chancellor’s sprawling estate.

Kirk felt something seize up in the middle of him, growing brittle and cold. He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Four to beam up.”

Back on the ship Kirk realized he needed some time to collect his thoughts and, since they couldn't leave until Spock beamed up anyway, he decided to retreat to his quarters for the time being. After checking in on the Bridge and pacing in front of the Captain’s chair for a moment, Kirk excused himself and made his way to his quarters.

As soon as his door slid shut behind him Kirk let out a deep sigh that ended in a low groan. He raked his fingers through his hair and looked around his cabin, searching for something that he couldn't seem to define. His eyes darted back and forth and he felt a soul-quaking unease rising up in him. He closed his eyes and tried to focus.

He cursed loudly when he realized what he was looking for.

Spock. He was desperately searching for any hint that the Vulcan had ever been here, any sign of his presence. He wanted something, some sign to reassure him that Spock was more to him now than he had been in the past, that he was a deeper part of Kirk’s life now, but Spock was meticulously tidy and Kirk’s cabin looked exactly as it always had. As if Spock had never been there. As if he hadn't rolled in Kirk’s sheets or collapsed beneath Kirk on the desk or…

_This is ridiculous. Spock doesn't belong to me. We haven’t even tried to define our relationship yet and I have no claim over him. He doesn't belong to me. I have no right to feel… What? What is this?_

Jealously. Kirk felt jealous. And angry. Unaccountably angry.

Kirk drifted absently forward to lean against his desk and fought off the memories of Spock laid out across it, dark hair deliciously tousled and back arched in pleasure. He set his hands down on the cool surface and cleared his mind, taking deep breaths.

Kirk heard the door to his quarters hiss open and then close again, but he didn't turn around. He knew who it was. He spread his fingers out on the surface of his desk and pressed down, as if moving against his own thoughts, smothering them, trying to subdue them, but the anger in him was swelling dangerously now despite his efforts. The fact that he was so relieved Spock had returned to the ship quickly served to frustrate him further.

_I have no right… Spock is his own man. He can do what he wants._

There was a long moment of silence before Spock spoke.

“Captain, I have just come from the bridge. We have now left orbit and are en route to Starbase 42 as per Starfleet’s orders.” Kirk was a little taken aback by Spock’s initiative, but also relieved to be away from the planet at last. “I would like to add that the Chancellor wished me to convey to you his -” Spock stopped short when Kirk whirled around to face him, eyes flashing.

“To hell with the Chancellor!” Kirk spat.

Spock was clearly startled for a moment by the exclamation and by the fierce set of his Captain’s features but then he simply folded his hands neatly behind his back and pressed on, coming directly to the point. “Sir, your behavior these past two weeks has been most unusual. I do not believe that you are getting adequate sustenance and you are showing signs of serious sleep deprivation. You are unwell and should report to sick bay before your ability to command this ship is impaired.”

It was true, Kirk hadn't been eating or sleeping as much as he should. His sexual relationship with his First Officer had been going on for months, but the sudden and intense emotional element that seemed to have developed overnight had completely blindsided him. He could not understand it or put it into words, he just knew he wasn't ready to face the intoxicating depth of feeling that was violently brewing inside his once steady mind.

“Unwell. I seem unwell to you?” And there was a dangerous edge in Kirk’s voice that Spock characteristically ignored, even when Kirk stepped closer to him with his fists clenched at his sides.

 _Infuriating. How can he stand there and pretend that he is completely unaware that_ he _is the problem?_

“Yes, Captain.”

Kirk felt a sharp pain somewhere inside him in response to the warm and supple quality of Spock’s voice when he said ‘Captain’. Spock stood there, looking so cool and collected, back straight, head up, but his eyes… There was something in them that was incongruous with his dignified bearing.

_Damn him._

Kirk suddenly found himself picturing Spock with that simpering ass, the Chancellor. The man had been absolutely taken with Spock and had found every excuse to be near him, to touch him, fawning over him and inviting him back to his rooms where they did god knows what. He was imagining the Chancellor’s greedy yellow fingers tracing the strong line of Spock’s jaw before drifting slowly down when Spock broke the silence again.

“Jim.” The low, warm velvet of Spock’s voice... The voice he reserved for their time alone together, the voice that Kirk usually only heard in a puff of breath against his ear.

Kirk’s squelched passions had grown animal inside him, burning away the easy confidence and steady self-discipline that enabled him to be such a strong and capable leader. He felt that he was watching his very identity crumble before him and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. His mind screamed out DANGER and right there in front him, as calm as you please, stood the cause of it all.

He felt _weak_ for needing this man so badly.

Kirk snapped. He launched himself at Spock, grabbing him roughly and shoving him with all his strength past his desk and toward the sleeping alcove. He always seemed to forget that for all Spock’s considerable strength he was more often than not helpless against his Captain, and the startled Vulcan flew to the ground, his hands vainly scrambling for purchase.

Kirk was on him in an instant, hoisting him up roughly by the shoulders only to shove him back down on the bed, letting himself fall heavily on top of him.

“Damn you… Damn you!” Kirk was hissing in his ear, Spock’s faintly spicy scent roiling him up into a frenzy of unchecked desire. He caught Spock’s mouth in a fierce kiss, his teeth scraping at Spock’s lips.

He briefly considered that all his desperate need and anger and fear must be pouring into Spock wherever their skin touched but he couldn't bring himself to care and pressed his mouth harder onto Spock’s, biting and sucking until he tasted a hint of coppery blood.

_Need you… My god, I need you…_

Kirk pulled back suddenly. “Take your clothes off.” He demanded.

Spock obeyed, his steady brown eyes locked on Kirk’s, his motions quick and his face inscrutable. Kirk removed his own clothes, fumbling in his haste and angrily knocking Spock's hands away when they reached to help him. He finally thrust his pants and underwear impatiently to the floor and then laid himself out on top of Spock’s firm body, moaning softly when he felt the hard length of Spock's desire pressing against him. 

Spock was yielding and silent underneath him, even when Kirk devoured his mouth again in another searing kiss and then shoved two of his fingers into Spock's mouth. He let Spock suckle them for a moment and then reached down to shove a finger into Spock’s tight entrance, quickly adding another finger to push and stretch at the puckered hole.

The tight heat around his fingers inflamed his lust to the point of agonizing need and he began nipping and licking his way down Spock's body, finally taking Spock's straining cock into his mouth and moaning deeply around it. He sucked hungrily, still shoving his fingers in and out, drawing faint noises from Spock that made Kirk desperate to shatter Spock's rigid control completely. He rose and moved back up Spock's body, pleased to see his own fiery want reflected in Spock's deep brown eyes.

Their erections bumped clumsily together as Kirk began to rock into him, roughly shoving his fingers in and out until Spock’s breathing quickened and his cheeks flushed green. Kirk laid down against the Vulcan’s hot chest, nuzzling greedily into his neck and searching out Spock’s hand. Their fingers met and intertwined, their palms pushed together. Kirk squeezed the hand, dug his nails in, and finally wrung a sharp cry out of the Vulcan that nearly pushed him over the edge.

He couldn't wait another moment. He needed Spock, needed to possess him, to mark him, to make him cry out again and again until it was the only sound he knew.

Kirk sat up and took a moment to adjust his position, slinging Spock’s legs up onto his shoulders before roughly plunging into him with a lusty groan. The suddenness of the penetration drew a strangled gasp from Spock that burned straight through Kirk and sent him into a fit of wild thrusting. Kirk gazed down at Spock as he pushed in deeper and deeper, loving the sight of Spock’s pale, curved neck and his chest heaving with gasping breaths.

Kirk leaned forward until his mouth was pressed against the soft hair of Spock’s chest and then he worked his way up, licking and biting and sucking. He wanted to devour this man whole, to crawl under his skin so that he’d never have to feel the fear or the anger of the past few weeks again.

Kirk’s heart was throbbing painfully as he drove into Spock, keeping time with the rhythmic cry of his longing:

_I need, I need, I need, I need, I need…!_

His hand brutally clenched Spock’s again and then, when the strain of reaching out for something that was always just outside his grasp became too much he felt his mind cry out in desperation:

_Give me! I want all of you! Please!_

He was silently begging, driven by desire past all dignity, all shame, when he felt cool fingertips press against his face and reality as he knew it seemed to blow to pieces. His mind expanded violently outward, like a star going supernova, so hot and bright that, for a moment which seemed to stretch on into eternity, he knew nothing but this blinding light and all-consuming heat.

But then the heat cooled somewhat, the light dimmed, and swirling colors and emotions seemed to coalesce into something painfully familiar yet utterly new. Spock, but not as Kirk had known him. Not the composed First Officer, or even the sensitive lover, but more. Winding around him and through him was the fiery Vulcan spirit, exuding so much fierce strength and loyalty and something else so substantial and pure that Kirk found himself awed.

His whole being shuddered as he took in the truth. Love. It was undeniable, pulsing through Spock’s mind into his in unashamed surges. Kirk felt his own love, which he had too long denied, rise up tentatively to meet it and when the orgasm thundered through him he felt himself both penetrating and being penetrated, crying out in pleasure and pain, his very being twisting so tightly around Spock’s that he could not tell them apart.

His mind protested as he felt Spock’s presence slowly pull away and when he opened his eyes he found that he had collapsed onto Spock and was panting heavily against his neck. He slid off of him onto his side, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder and wrapping an arm around his chest. Kirk clutched at him desperately and tugged him closer but sat up quickly when Spock’s features became faintly pinched for a moment in an unmistakable Vulcan grimace. He searched the fathomless brown eyes but Spock had schooled his features into their usual calm and betrayed nothing more of what he was feeling.

“I hurt you.” Kirk stated quietly. “I shouldn’t have…”

“I am not seriously injured.” Spock said, his voice carefully even, verifying Kirk’s fear.

“So I did hurt you.”

“It is of no consequence.” Spock said in a voice that would brook no debate, pulling Kirk back down onto his chest and nuzzling into his hair.

Kirk wanted to protest but instead soaked up Spock’s warm presence and pushed down on the remorse that was rising up in him. Everything was different now, as if puzzle pieces in his head had shifted into place, but the discontent he had been feeling for so long was slow to diffuse. He knew now what he wanted and was relieved that Spock wanted the same thing but there was some lingering trepidation and he had not forgotten how he had suffered during the time Spock had spent with the Hassian Chancellor.

Remembering the two of them wandering toward the Chancellor’s chambers, the Hassian man’s arm slung around Spock’s slim waist, stirred up Kirk’s anger and he pulled Spock into a possessive embrace, forgetting to be careful or not caring to. Pain began to thrum in his head and his chest tightened at the thought of losing Spock. Spock responded in his usual quiet, patient way, allowing Kirk to crush their bodies together until Kirk’s ire cooled and he sank back into some semblance of complacency.

“Jim, I want you to know that I was not intimate with the Chancellor. He did desire me but I only desire you.” Spock stated simply.

Kirk was slightly bewildered. He had the distinct impression that Spock had been aware of the nature of his thoughts. Turning inward Kirk realized that Spock was still there inside his head, just on the fringes of his mind in the form of a warm, soothing presence.

Kirk swallowed at the lump that was forming in his throat and, not trusting himself to speak, nodded his head against Spock.

“I am sorry if my actions caused you pain. I would never deliberately hurt you.” Sock finished, turning Kirk’s head so that he could press a soft kiss against his forehead.

“It doesn’t matter.” Kirk choked out. “Just… Stay.”

And Spock understood that he did not just mean for the night.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got this done more quickly than I thought, so here you go! 
> 
> There is non-consensual sexual activity and also minor character death in this chapter. Also, serious angst ahead.

Kirk tugged absently at his bonds.

A dense fog had settled over his mind and he didn’t know how long he had been slumbering in the dark. Someone had come in at some point and turned off the light so that when Kirk woke he thought for a few disconcerting minutes that he had gone blind. Once he had convinced himself that this was not the case, after finally noticing the faintest sliver of light down where the bottom of the door was located, he allowed himself to sink back down into a restless sleep.

He drowsed fitfully, slipping in and out of nightmares.

_In this dream his limbs were torn from him and a familiar jeering voice cut his mind to pieces until everything he was dissolved into a bloody, soulless heap. He saw himself rising from the mangled carnage that had been James Kirk, marred and twisted but whole again, and propelling himself at his captor._

_He saw himself wrapping the pale man in his mutilated arms and then digging his talons into those cold blue eyes, delighting in the sight of deep crimson blood mixing with clear fluid as it flowed down Ravai’s hollowed out cheeks. He suddenly wanted to taste it, taste the blood and sweat and stinking fear, feel it roll across his tongue as he devoured the man who had caused him so much suffering._

_He lowered his head and sank his fangs into Ravai’s trembling jaw, gnawing with animal relish as he worked his way to the vulnerable throat, slashing and biting viciously. A spray of green blood hit his face._

_Green._

_He looked down and to his horror saw that it was Spock he had in his grasp._

_“Jim, help me…” The deep voice pleaded, eyes ruined and unseeing, life force draining away from the torn throat._

_Kirk recoiled, dropping the paling body of his lover, and retreated into the dark. Grief. Towering, unending grief smashed into him and obliterated him. He was nothing now but a wisp of consciousness crying out in the boundless dark:_

_“Spock! No!”_

Light. Light was beating against his heavy eyelids, dragging him slowly back into the waking world, away from one bloody nightmare and into another. His eyes fluttered open, taking in the room that had become so familiar to him.

Ravai was standing near him, watching him with a curious expression on his face, but Kirk was too exhausted to respond to the sudden appearance of his tormentor. Kirk’s breathing was deep and painful, his lips cracked and bleeding, and he suddenly realized, with detached interest, that he could not move his body right now if he wanted to.

And he didn't want to. He had been worn down by Ravai's constant physical and psychological attacks and now he found that he couldn't work up the energy to worry about what might happen to him next. He let his eyes slide closed again.

He didn’t even stir when he felt a heavy hand caressingly grope the side of his head and a gentle voice said “Drink.”

He felt something narrow and plastic slide past his lips and into his mouth and then a slow trickle of cool water hit his tongue. For a moment he thought to jerk his head away, to refuse the replenishing flow and fall further toward release. He could spit it back at the man who had the gall to touch him so carefully, lifting him up toward deliverance after ruthlessly bringing him so low.

He wanted to do this but then his throat was working, sucking down the life-giving water and he nearly wept with relief at the soothing coolness. He drank and drank and when the dripping nozzle was withdrawn Kirk moaned softly in protest. The hand on his head stroked through his hair, sending a faintly uncomfortable tingling through his scalp, no doubt caused by the lingering effects of the Ksarra device that was still attached to him.

“That’s enough for now, Captain. I will come back later and give you some more but you should rest right now, hmm?” Ravai said, still running his fingers through Kirk’s hair.

Kirk felt too indifferent to pull away from his touch and so he merely gazed dispassionately at him, not even reacting when Ravai produced what looked like a hypo and pressed it against Kirk’s arm. There was a small hiss.

“There. This will help ease your pain, though it might put you into a deep sleep for a while. You wont mind that, will you? A long, dreamless sleep. Don’t fight it, Captain, just rest. We have more to talk about when you wake.” Ravai explained evenly.

Kirk didn’t have the presence of mind to be alarmed by the threat in those words as the pain drained from his body and was replaced by a soothing warmth. His vision darkened and he went willingly into sleep.

*

When Kirk woke he was feeling much stronger and more cognizant and quickly noticed the changes in the room. The room felt more damp, there was a light coming from somewhere behind him, making the room much brighter than it had been before, and just to his right was a metal stand with a clear bag of fluid hanging from it. There was a tube coming out of the bottom of the bag and Kirk followed it with his eyes until is disappeared down toward the floor.

It was then that he noticed the IV in his right arm. For a moment Kirk panicked but after mentally assessing his mind and body and noticing no signs that he was being drugged he concluded that the clear fluid was merely a saline solution meant to keep him hydrated.

“You lost a lot of blood and were becoming dangerously dehydrated. It was necessary.” A voice rang out. Kirk whipped his head around and was not at all surprised to see Ravai smiling down at him. Kirk hadn’t heard the door open so the man must have been waiting somewhere near the back of the room, watching him as he slept. Kirk was now present enough to be disturbed by this fact.

“Did you sleep well?” Ravai asked, disappearing for a moment and then reappearing with a tall stool. He plunked it down next to the metal table that had been Kirk’s bed these many days and sat down, eyeing Kirk solicitously.

Kirk watched him warily and said nothing.

“I hope you don’t mind, but we took the liberty of washing you while you slept.” Ravai said, ignoring Kirk’s distrustful glare. It was then that Kirk realized - though he had to concentrate to even feel his legs at all - that the surface beneath him was wet and what had remained of his uniform had been removed. He was now naked on this slab, naked and at the mercy of a psychopath whose mercurial moods were beyond prediction.

“Why?” Kirk croaked out.

Ravai just smiled and then swiftly got to his feet when there was a knock on the door. “Ah!” he said as the door creaked open and a man, as tall and muscular as Ravai, walked in. Kirk recognized him as one of the men who had taken part in the brutal beating that had left Kirk’s ribs cracked and his body bruised shortly after he had woken to find himself their captive.

The man acknowledged Ravai with a nod but ignored Kirk, setting down the tray he was carrying on the table against the wall before striding out of the room and closing the door behind him.

On the tray there was a bowl with steam rising from it and next to that a plate with small slices of something light purple and moist looking. Ravai retrieved the tray and returned to Kirk, setting it down near Kirk’s head.

“You must be famished. Here, open your mouth.” Ravai commanded gently. He lifted a spoonful of what looked like some kind of beige porridge to Kirk’s mouth and pressed it against his lips. Kirk clamped his lips shut but then reluctantly let them part as the creamy smell hit him.

_I need to keep my strength up. I might still be able to get out of this alive but I need to be stronger and I'll need to keep my wits about me._

And so Kirk allowed Ravai to feed him, which his captor did with a tender diligence that might have lulled Kirk into a false sense of security if his whole body wasn’t still throbbing with a dull but persistent ache. The food might have been warm and filling but the Ksarra device was still anchored to his chest and, though it appeared to be deactivated for the moment, Kirk’s skin was hot and sore where the needles were imbedded in him.

He ate slowly, resting in between every bite but opening his mouth eagerly every time Ravai raised up the spoon. Ravai seemed to be getting perverse pleasure from his ministrations, wiping away a bit of porridge from the corner of Kirk’s mouth with a caressing finger and then running his hand up and down Kirk’s arm in a soothing motion.

Finally Ravai set down the spoon with a soft clink upon the tray. “That’s enough of that. If you eat too much you’ll be ill. But here, try a bit of this. It is a fruit native to my planet called gorra.”

The smell of it was sweet and when Ravai placed it on his tongue Kirk closed his lips down hungrily. Ravai did not let go of the fruit immediately and he sighed softly as Kirk’s swollen lips closed around his fingers, wet and hot and sucking at the soft fruit. He slid his fingers out and ran them down Kirk’s chin, sliding them down his neck to his chest, letting his hand rest there.

Kirk’s heart skipped a beat, and then began to flutter wildly in his chest. “What are you doing? What do you want with me?” Kirk cried out with an edge of panic in his voice. The hand on his chest was sliding down, grazing his ribs and then sliding over his belly. “I can’t help you. I’m sorry, I can’t help you!”

“I think you can. I think there are many things you can do for me.” He said into Kirk’s ear. Kirk jerked his head away only to have a hand seize his hair and hold his head firmly in place while a wet tongue explored his ear. He gritted his teeth and decided to bear this with as much detachment as he could manage until he felt the hand on his belly slide down and grasp at his genitals. Rage flared up in Kirk and he let out a harsh, guttural cry of protest. Ravai just groped him harder at the sound.

_God no, not this. Don’t do this!_

His body thrashed as much as the restraints would allow and he bellowed out his hatred at this man who was stripping him of every last shred of dignity, this man who was laughing at his helplessness.

Only one man should ever be allowed to touch him this way.

He reached out to that man now, determined to escape Ravai mentally even if he could not do it physically. He would find solace in Spock’s presence and be temporarily released from this hell.

Kirk turned inward, crying out with his whole being.

_Spock! Help me!_

He pushed further and further into that place where he always knew he could find Spock waiting for him and, to his complete and utter terror, he came up against a wall. He beat at it, dashed himself against it until his mind was reeling with an agony far worse than anything his torturer had inflicted on him. For a paralyzing moment he considered that Spock might have been killed somehow but then he pressed his mind up against the barrier and knew with complete certainty that Spock was alive but out of reach.

Spock had cut himself off from Kirk. He had closed his mind against him and now Kirk was truly alone.

_Why? Spock, how could you do this? Please, don’t leave me!_

Ravai was over him now, his chest leaning heavily on Kirk’s, his tongue plunging into Kirk’s mouth and his hands groping lustily at Kirk’s body, pinching and pulling and stroking.

_PLEASE, SPOCK…_

“You really are a magnificent creature. It’s a shame I wont be able to keep you.” Ravai breathed hotly into Kirk’s gasping mouth.

Kirk was shaking uncontrollably, something in him so shattered that he was hardly aware of anything around him. He only distantly felt that Ravai was pressed against him, digging bruises into his skin and whispering filth into his ear. He only faintly felt the last of his self-respect collapse into the ruins of his wounded mind when his body was invaded by cruel fingers that pushed into him with lustful greed.

_Please… Spock…_

The door to the room flew open and someone rushed toward them, causing Ravai to pull away from him. Kirk hardly felt the weight lift off of him. The man stopped next to Ravai and whispered urgently into his ear, and then they both hurried out of the room. Kirk watched the retreating figures with utter indifference.

He came back to himself gradually, the aches in his body manifesting slowly, his mind slipping back into the physical world bit by aching bit. For a long time he did not move at all or make a sound.

_Please…_

Then he broke.

For the first time in as long as he could remember he wept, sobbing openly, bitterly.

* * *

**_\- A Year and A Half Earlier -_ **

“Quincey!” Kirk cried out.

The alien glared across the clearing at Kirk through beady eyes and tightened it’s tentacle-like arms around the struggling man in its grip. Kirk continued to edge closer, cursing himself under his breath for getting himself and his men into this situation.

*

Noah Quincey had insisted on joining the landing party at almost the last minute and Kirk had indulged him, hoping to spend a little time with an old friend from his Academy days. They hadn’t been particularly close but Quincey had admired Kirk’s commanding presence and Kirk had a deep respect for the good-natured, bookish man.

Quincey’s primary field of interest was biochemistry but his talents were many and he studied exobiology, among other things, as well. 

Scans had shown strange but infrequent life form readings on the planet designated Rho Gamma IV but other than those curious readings they could detect no other signs of animal life or anything that seemed obviously dangerous. Kirk had been itching to get off the ship and stretch his legs, so to speak, so despite Spock's predictable protests he and the away team beamed down ready to confront any possible dangers and set off to explore. 

Kirk didn't disregard Spock's concern, though, and just before he wandered with Quincey and security officer Ellison toward a copse of trees he barked an order over his shoulder demanding vigilance and frequent status reports.

“Aye, sir.” Came the reply from Security Officer Burnett and he started off in the opposite direction, flanked by two men in science blue.

The ground was covered in a spongy growth of short, broad-leaved grass that gave a spring to their steps and the trilling of alien insects rose and fell around them in soothing waves. They had soon breached the treeline and stopped to admire the pale yellow trees with fern-like tops all around them.

They wandered on at a leisurely pace, Quincey enthralled and frequently checking his tricorder and Ellison hovering near him, one hand lazily resting over his phaser.

They never saw any hints of animal life, let alone signs of intelligent life forms so their guard slowly started to drop. Kirk stopped and looked up toward the tops of the trees, only two meters or so above him, and sucked in a long breath of oxygen rich air. He had just closed his eyes when his communicator beeped.

_Right, I need to keep my wits about me. This isn’t shore leave._

Kirk flipped open the communicator. “Kirk, here.”

“Burnett here, Captain. Nothing to report.” A voice crackled through the communicator.

“Nothing on our end either, but keep your eyes open for anything unusual.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Kirk out.”

Kirk slipped the communicator onto his belt and looked up to see Quincey crouching on the ground, his sandy blonde head bent toward his tricorder.

“What have you got, Quince?”

The man stood up but his eyes were still on the tricorder when he spoke. “I’m reading a life form about twenty two meters in that direction.” He said, raising a hand to point. He frowned slightly. “It’s definitely not humanoid. It’s almost… Reptilian, I would say. Almost.”

“Sentient?” Kirk queried.

“I can't say for sure. I’ve never seen readings like this before.” He finally looked up and met Kirk's eyes. "Whatever it is, it's not very large and it's seems to be... inactive."

"What, like it's sleeping?" Ellison asked, leaning over to look down at the readings. Kirk smiled a little as the two heads bent together, one light and one dark, both burning with curiosity.

"Maybe. It's difficult to say." Quincey seemed puzzled and then turned to Kirk. "I'd like to get a look at whatever this is."

“All right, we proceed with extreme caution.” Kirk said, pulling out his phaser and moving to walk in front of Quincey.

“This is very strange, don’t you think? Whatever these things are, there are so few of them and they’re spread far apart across the equatorial region of this planet. Even species that are more solitary in nature don’t usually stray so far from each other. I wonder what we are dealing with.” Quincey pondered.

“We’ll find out soon enough.” was Kirk’s answer.

As they walked the trees thinned out around them and finally they stepped out into a roughly circular clearing about thirty meters in diameter. The ground was covered in the same spongy grass but was overrun by a twisting net of reddish vines that curved up and around small, brown pod-like plants.

“Incredible.” Quincey murmured, taking a few steps forward and raising his tricorder to take readings. 

"This is... Captain!" He had walked almost to the center of the clearing when he suddenly stiffened, raising one foot to take a cautious step back. A mass of thicker brown vines just in front of him was slowly rising up into life before their eyes.

Everything happened so quickly after that. The thick vines turned out to be scaly, sharp-tipped tentacles and the alien moved with startling speed despite the solid plating of reddish armor that covered its midsection and the upper parts of its legs. The legs, all four of them, carried it with swift spider-like motions between Quincey and the other two men and before Kirk could fire his phaser he felt the tentacles slashing madly at him. He dove away with a cry of pain, an arm shielding his face.

There was a yell and the whine of phaser-fire and Kirk knew that the creature had attacked Ellison. He scrambled to his feet and whirled on them just as the creature broke away, leaving Ellison on the ground, phaser conspicuously absent. Kirk looked down, ignoring his bleeding wounds, and realized that both his phaser and his communicator were gone.

_What has the creature done with them? How did it know to take them?_

When Kirk looked up the alien was nearly to the other edge of the clearing with a terrified Quincey in tow.

“Quincey!” Kirk cried out.

Kirk started walking toward the alien, aware of Ellison close behind him, and held his hands out in supplication. “Please, we mean you no harm!”

“Captain, don’t come any closer! I know-” Quincey’s voice was cut off when a tentacle wrapped around his throat and squeezed.

The alien emitted a strange cackle of snaps and trills and pressed the dagger-like tip of a tentacle to Quincey’s chest. Blood began to bloom on the blue shirt.

“Stop!” Kirk yelled.

_Just hang on, Quincey, I’ll get you out of this, I swear._

Kirk moved a little closer and tried again, his voice low and remarkably calm given that his heart was about to jump out of his chest. “Please, let him go.” He pointed to Quincey. “We’ll all leave right now if you just let him go.” He finished by gesturing behind him toward the trees, hoping the alien would understand his meaning.

The alien’s trilling grew quieter and it seemed to be considering the situation. Kirk took a deliberate step forward, reaching a hand out toward his friend.

At that same moment Quincey managed to pry the tentacle around his neck loose and spoke. “Captain, stop! Don’t step-”

Kirk heard a sickeningly wet crunch beneath his foot. He looked down to see a broken pod with a red-veined membranous substance sliding out, mixing with the thick orange fluid from a torn yolk sack. Kirk’s heart skipped a beat as he suddenly understood the situation with terrifying clarity. The pods were eggs. This creature, which was obviously intelligent enough to know to disarm the men invading its territory, was defending its eggs.

_Oh god, what have I done…_

The alien let out a piercing cry and plunged a tentacle deep into Quincey’s chest, snapping ribs and releasing a spray of blood as Quincey’s heart throbbed out its least beat.

“NO!” Kirk cried as Quincey’s wide, terrified eyes went blank. The alien let the limp body drop and went for Kirk.

For a moment Kirk stood frozen, too shocked to move, struck by the paralyzing force of grief, but then the starship Captain in him took control and he turned and sprinted away. He shoved Ellison ahead of him and the two men darted carefully between the alien eggs, running back the way they had come. Quincey was dead. They needed to find the rest of the landing party and get back to the ship. They could beam up Quincey’s body when everyone was safely on board.

_His body. Dead. Quincey, please forgive me…_

As he tore around trees, lungs burning and mind reeling, he felt himself sending out a mental cry for help.

_Spock!_

He sped past the place where Quincy had crouched down to take readings, where only short time ago Kirk had gazed up into the trees, relishing the beauty of this place. He should have been more careful. He should have protected his crewman, his friend.

_My fault. This is my fault._

Kirk felt impossibly high walls closing in around his mind, blotting out every good memory, every warm feeling he had ever had, and if Spock sent an answer to his call he did not receive it.

The walls inside him were closing together even as he burst through a thicket with Ellison panting at his side and came face to face with Burnett and the other two in his party, all of them looking distinctly worried. Burnett stood between the two scientists, the red of his shirt vibrant against science blue. Kirk felt disoriented for a moment.

“Sir! We couldn’t make contact with you and then Commander Spock contacted us -” Burnett started before Kirk cut him off.

“Give me your communicator.” He gasped out. He had his breathing more under control when he flipped the communicator open and said “Kirk to Enterprise! Five to beam up.”

As the transporter started to take them Kirk felt his mind completely close off and his eyes went blank.

He felt nothing.

When he materialized on the transporter pad the first thing he saw was Spock hurrying to meet him. “Captain?” Spock said, reaching out a hand and laying it carefully on Kirk’s shoulder as though he feared to alarm Kirk with his touch.

“My god, man! What happened to you?” McCoy said, unceremoniously knocking Spock out of the way so that he could immediately start scanning the Captain. Kirk had forgotten that he was injured and looked down to see that his uniform was ripped and torn, bloody from the numerous gashes on his arms and chest.

“I’m fine, Bones. They're just scratches.” He mumbled, pushing past the doctor and stepping down off the platform. Spock was still hovering nearby and McCoy caught Kirk’s arm before he could make for the door.

“Sick bay, now.” McCoy stated firmly.

"You too, kid." He added, nodding his head at Ellison. Ellison nodded back and went through the door, clutching tightly at his bleeding arm.

“Bones, Quincey is down there, damn it, and I need to-”

“Go to sick bay and let your very competent First Officer deal with it.” McCoy finished for him.

“He is right, Captain. You can not let the crew see you in this condition. I will take care of it.” Spock said.

Kirk knew doing anything besides going to sickbay was irrational and slowly started to follow the Doctor out of the transporter room, feeling dazed. When they were in the corridor McCoy turned to him.

“Are you okay, Jim?” He asked, his eyes full of concern.

“I’m fine. Just heal these cuts so I can get back to work.” Kirk said, his expression disturbingly vacant.

“All right. All right.” McCoy said, walking ahead of Kirk before muttering “But you are far from fine, my friend.”

*

Once his cuts were attended to Kirk flatly refused to stay in sickbay but McCoy stubbornly insisted that he take at least a day to recuperate. Kirk disagreed but, strangely, found that he didn't have the energy to argue with McCoy. Where the health of the crew was concerned the Doctor was headstrong and utterly inflexible and, though Kirk saw no reason to hole up and lick at whatever wounds McCoy seemed to think he had, in the end Kirk finally retreated to his quarters. 

_I don't need to be coddled. Can't he see that I'm fine, the stubborn ass?_

He kept his thoughts to himself, though, and even accepted a hypo that McCoy had promised would make him “sleep like a baby” but after lying still on his bed for nearly an hour he found himself as wide awake as ever.

Kirk remembered the look on his friend’s face as the creature had dragged the frightened man away. Quincey had tried to warn him! He remembered the blood streaming down Quincey's chest, vibrant and unreal. Quincey had tried to tell Kirk but Kirk had failed to understand and now Quincey was gone. He had failed a member of his crew. He had failed a friend.

In his head he began composing the letter he’d have to write to Quincey’s wife.

_Dear Madam, It is my solemn duty to inform you that…_

_I have killed your husband._

Kirk squeezed his eyes shut and tried to still his racing heart, while his mind was battered by a screeching cacophony of horror and regret and recrimination.

_I am alone in this. I am alone and nothing can touch me. I am alone._

His heartbeat slowed and the cacophony faded into white noise. ‘Alone’ became a mantra echoing in his head. It become the rock to which he tethered himself. He breathed slower, deeper, the horror slipping away far within him. Eventually a cool wave of nothing broke over him, pulling him down into sleep.

Stillness. Release. There was nothing here. No pain, no loss, no love. Just darkness and silence holding him close and keeping him safe. Nothing could touch him.

Stillness.

“Jim.” Spock’s voice broke into his peace.

Kirk’s eyes eased open and the weight he had fought so hard to rid himself of began to crush against him again. He didn’t know how long he had been asleep, only that it had not been long enough.

“How the hell did you get in here.” He grumbled, too exhausted to convey the full extent of the anger he felt at the intrusion.

McCoy popped out from behind Spock, medical scanner in hand. “He used his override code. Thought he'd save himself the trouble of smashing the door in.”

Kirk wanted to lecture them about abusing their privileges but could only manage a deep sigh. McCoy was waving the hand scanner over him, diligently watching the readings in front of him.

“Get out.” Kirk said, closing his eyes.

The scan went on for a few moments longer and then he heard a “Hmph. Well, goodnight to you too.”

This was followed by the sound of heavy footsteps and the hiss of the door as it opened and then closed. He sighed again, softer this time, and dragged an arm to rest over his eyes. He could feel Spock watching him and he silently pleaded with him to go away. Spock did not oblige him.

“ _Jim._ ”

“No. I don’t want to do this with you right now. Please, go.” He said, moving his arm away from his face and locking Spock in a steely stare.

But Spock did not move. “You must not do this. You must face what you are feeling or it will fester inside of you until it begins to corrupt your thought processes.”

Kirk sat up on the bed, swung his feet to the floor, and glared at Spock. He could feel something ugly brewing in him, something that threatened to explode out at the man standing in front of him. The man he cared about more than anyone in the universe.

“I’m getting a lecture about the importance of not repressing my emotions from a Vulcan? Oh, that’s rich.” Kirk sneered, hating himself for the acid in his voice.

“You are not Vulcan, you are human. What you are doing, what you mean to do, is unhealthy. I cannot let you do this.”

“You can’t really stop me.”

Spock stepped closer and sank to his knees in front of Kirk in a graceful, fluid motion.

“I know you. Your guilt will poison you if you do not confront it. You must face this. Let me help you.”

Kirk started to snap out a half-hearted insult but then Spock’s hands came up and rested lightly on the sides of Kirk’s face and Kirk felt the walls he had erected in his mind trembling thunderously.

“Please, Jim.” Spock said.

Kirk started. Spock rarely used the word ‘please’. He usually just allowed the logic of his words to sway Kirk’s reasonable mind but if he was saying ‘please’ then he must be particularly concerned about Kirk’s emotional stability. Kirk found himself turning inward to assess his feelings.

To his surprise, he could not. His mouth dropped open a little and he let his vision blur as he searched inside himself for something, anything that might indicate that he was alright, that he was experiencing healthy human emotions.

Nothing. He felt nothing at all.

Spock’s fingertips were gentle against Kirk’s face. “Let me help you.” He said softly.

After a long pause Kirk slowly nodded his assent. He had barely begun to brace himself when he felt Spock’s presence flow into his mind in a torrent of alien warmth. Kirk had experienced this enough times now that his mind did not actively resist but there was a part of him that Spock could not reach.

_Alone!_

Spock had come up against the walls in Kirk’s mind and nudged gently but insistently. Kirk fought the urge to withdraw and when he felt Spock’s presence bathing him in love and reassurance he could not help but respond. Swirling together, they battered down the barrier.

The walls crumbled and together they drowned in the sudden onslaught of raw emotions. Kirk’s pain and guilt ripped through them and Spock did not flinch back - he never did - but instead reached out and embraced Kirk's pain and drew it into himself.

Kirk felt Spock’s soundless voice in his head, speaking to him in colors and images and, still surprising even after so much time, emotion. Kirk was continually amazed by the depth and intensity of Vulcan emotion and right now it was all for him, wrapping around Kirk’s consciousness in a tight web of love and loyalty and concern. Kirk felt his pain being siphoned off, and his whole being shuddered with pleasure and relief as Spock’s inner voice began to speak to him in earnest.

Spock showed him the stars burning in the depths of space, the flowering brilliance of expanding nebulae, the unending mystery of strange new worlds, and the promise of more to come, more mystery, more discovery, and a deeper understanding of everything.

_‘This is why we are here.’_

Then Spock showed him the small, strange spacecraft, it’s surface a tightly coiled swirl of fused metal tentacles, hovering above Rho Gamma IV. He felt wonder as he watched the small craft fire upon the much larger and far more powerful _Enterprise_ until that good ship retreated from the nursery planet it had been orbiting. The strange tentacled aliens on the planet below were a mystery solved.

Then there was a shift and the wonder of discovery gave way to the inevitable: pain and loss. Kirk struggled against it for moment, his guilt bursting forth anew, but Spock’s presence held and soothed him.

 _You are_ not _alone_ , he felt Spock insist. _I am and always shall be with you._

Then Spock slowly pulled away, untangling the tendrils of his mind from Kirk’s. They were back in Kirk’s quarters and Kirk had slumped forward off of the bed and was pressed against Spock. He let his head fall against Spock’s shoulder and breathed deep breaths against the cool neck as little by little he came back to himself.

“In the future, do not close yourself off from me. It is… unacceptable.” Spock’s voice was a low purr in his ear, and he pulled Kirk tightly against him as if for emphasis.

Kirk smiled softly. “ I wont.”

 _You are_ not _alone. I am and always shall be with you._

* * *


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still a lot of gloom and doom during the first bit, but there's no death or physical violence in this chapter.
> 
> Just one more chapter after this and it's done! Unless I decided to write an epilogue, of course, but I'm not sure if I will.

Ravai did not come back for many hours. Kirk had cried until his voice came out in hoarse gasps and he had no more tears to shed and then he had shuddered into a drowsy stupor. In that delirious state Kirk told himself that he no longer cared what happened to him, that death was preferable to the sucking void that had opened up in him. He wished Ravai would cut his throat and be done with it. What was the point of dragging it out now?

Ravai would no longer have the pleasure of watching him suffer because he was dead already, cut off from the bondmate who had come to mean everything to him. Ravai might wring involuntary cries from Kirk if he tried hard enough but there was nothing he could take away from Kirk that had not already been ripped away from him. The air had been sucked from his lungs and the blood drained from his veins, now he merely waited for his body to succumb to the inevitable.

And it would, sooner rather than later, he knew. He would not fight it; he would go down willingly into the dark. He would take with him everything he knew, leaving Spock behind to make his own way.

It seemed his fate was sealed and he would fight against it no longer, he decided.

Somewhere very deep inside, he marveled at the fact that his legendary strength of will had finally broken, that he would accept the hand that cruel fate had dealt him with hardly a shrug.

_Then again, I suppose it takes a particular kind of strength to accept what can't be changed and face it without fear. Spock would be proud of me._

This was the last thought he allowed himself to have before giving himself up to numbness again. His breathing was even but shallow, and piercing darts of hot discomfort shot through him with every slow heave of his tired lungs. He had no doubt his chest was becoming infected where the needles from the device were embedded in his skin. Even with the IV keeping him hydrated the infection would certainly speed things along.

If Ravai allowed it, of course.

When Ravai finally walked back into the room Kirk allowed himself a twinge of surprise at what was in the man’s hand. It was a bag of clear liquid like the saline solution that was already hanging above him, but the bag was about half the size and had no markings on it.

_Antibiotics, maybe? Did Ravai notice the infection? Is he determined to keep me alive?_

It was then that some of the darkness fled Kirk and he began to hope again that he might yet make it through this. As long as he was alive there was always a chance, however small, and in this case, he thought, very small, that he might see Spock again. The tug of war between hope and resignation began again.

Ravai didn’t give Kirk much time to wonder about his intentions, striding over and taking a seat on the stool that was still next to the table before opening his mouth to speak. “Well, Captain, it seems our time together must be cut short. I had hoped to have some time to get to know you better,” and here he stroked at Kirk’s cheek, “but soon I must send you back to your people.”

Kirk's heart leapt, and for a moment he came to life again. Would he see Spock again? Would they really let him go, or was this some kind of trick, more psychological torture? Kirk didn’t dare speak and merely watched Ravai searchingly as he continued.

“You have made it perfectly clear that you will not give me the information I need and I accept that now. However, you’ll forgive me if I make one last attempt to persuade you before you go. This is, after all, very important to me. As important to me as your loyalty to Starfleet is to you. I think we can understand each other, hmm?”

Ravai stood up and walked around behind Kirk, stopping on the other side of the table. Kirk followed him with his eyes as he came around to the IV stand and lifted the bag of fluid off of it. Kirk tried to read that face, to decipher the purpose in those clear, icy eyes, but he could determine nothing of his thoughts. Whatever the man was feeling, he kept it carefully guarded. As Ravai connected the smaller bag to the tubing and hung it gingerly on the hook, Kirk reminded himself that it’s never that simple.

“What are you doing? What are you giving me?” Kirk finally asked, still looking into those cold eyes. Though Kirk had accepted that he would mostly likely never leave this room, if there was even a chance that he might yet survive this ordeal then he must not give up. If he could just survive this then… Well, he would figure out what to do about Spock later.

“It is what you might call a… Truth serum. A powerful one.” Ravai had finished adjusting the IV and neatly arranged the tubing and was now watching Kirk. “Among my race it is successful in more than ninety two percent of cases.”

Kirk was too stunned to speak for a moment, and then, “If it’s so powerful, then why didn’t you use it on me to begin with? Why beat the hell out of me if you can just use your truth serum?”

“It’s a very potent drug, in high doses. The higher the dose administered, the higher the chances of extracting a confession. Of course, it also increases the likelihood of death.”

Kirk looked up frantically at the little bag hanging on its hook and watched the jewel-like droplets slowly release down into the tubing.

“The dose I am giving you will kill you in a few hours. It will not be painful. In fact, the drug has a depressant effect and you will merely drift off to sleep in the end. A mercy, don’t you think?” Ravai said, stroking the hair off of Kirk’s forehead. Kirk jerked his head away, the fire flaring back up in his blood.

“You said you’d return me! You said you would send me back to my people!” Kirk could not help but feel heartbroken and idiotic for having hoped, and he hated the pleading in his voice, loathed it, loathed _himself_ for being so stupid and weak and helpless.

“I did say I would return you, Captain, but I did not say anything about sending you back alive.” Ravai smirked. “If we cannot get what we want from you, then we can at least send your corpse as a message to your Federation. A message that we will not tolerate your interference in our world!” Ravai yelled the last sentence, looking angrier than Kirk had ever seen him.

Ravai straightened himself up, glowered at Kirk, and made for the door. “I’ll be back shortly and we shall speak again. I hope you’ll be more cooperative this time.” Ravai said over his shoulder before going out the door and closing it with a bang.

“I won’t! I won’t tell you anything! Damn it, don’t you understand!?” Kirk hurled after him. “I can’t! I can’t...”

Kirk felt the pain draining from his body and realized that the drug was beginning to work. He blinked his eyes, alarmed to realize that the room was starting to fill with mist. Everything began to look softer, indistinct. He felt… not happy exactly, but content.

_So this is it. In a couple of hours I’ll be dead. Shouldn’t I be more upset? Angry? Sad?_

_It’s the drug._

Kirk sighed and reached into his mind, almost absently, to press against the wall that separated him from what he held most dear. Alone. He was still alone. He would die alone. He would die and Spock would have to go on without him.

And Spock would, Kirk had no doubt of that. Spock would go on.

_Maybe… Maybe that's why he cut himself off from me. He felt my pain and for once it was too much. He knows he won't be able to reach me in time, that I will die here. He knows that if he clings to me in death he may be pulled down with me. He's done the right thing. I would rather die knowing that he still lives. I forgive him._

_I forgive you, Spock._

His whole body was tingling pleasantly, and the mist around him had turned into a thick fog. He chuckled to himself as his body became light as air and he felt as if he was floating, floating up out of his bonds to swim through the warm, encompassing fog. He tried to focus on his limbs, to bring himself back into his body just to see if he could, but he remained free of that aching shell. He moved in slow spirals through some space that existed outside of this cell, outside of everything.

Somewhere beneath him or around him, or somewhere far away, he heard the beating of his heart. It was slow and throbbing, a wet squelching of tired muscle and thick flowing blood. That sluggish thumping was so at odds with what he was now: an airy manifestation of everything that was James Kirk.

More than content. Happy now. Everything would be okay. Soon that lethargic heart would shudder to a stop and he would be free.

_I will die and the joke’s on him; I won't tell him a damn thing. I will die and Spock will live. I’m not afraid._

It was then that Kirk felt something shake loose inside him, pulling him violently back toward himself. It should have distressed him to be so forcefully flung back into the wreck of his body, but the voice that rang out in his mind filled him with indescribable joy.

_‘LIVE!’_

There was something so frightened and desperate in the plea that for a moment Kirk could not comprehend that it was really coming from Spock. And it was indeed Spock, reaching out to him, finally, reaching through the fog and clutching violently at Kirk’s fading being.

Would Spock be able to save him after all?

Kirk’s heart throbbed fiercely in his chest, spirit flaring back to life for a moment before flickering almost out. The drug was too potent for a human. He was fading too quickly and Spock was still too far away. Spock would not be able to reach him in time. This filled Kirk with a deep sorrow, even as he rejoiced at Spock’s presence.

_‘Do not die!’_

_So sorry, Spock. Love you._

_‘I beg thee, live! Do this for me!”_

_I'll try. Anything for you. Anything. I will…_

But even as he sent that thought out into the ether he began to drift again into the fog, away from his body, away from Spock, inexorably toward the final dark.

* * *

**_\- Four Months Earlier -_ **

Kirk entered the transporter room and came to a stop next to his First Officer, who looked more sober and restrained than usual. Kirk tugged gently at his dress uniform and stood a little straighter, casting a discreet glance at Spock. The complete and utter lack of any facial expression whatsoever was a clear indicator that the Vulcan was anything but detached at the moment.

Kirk couldn’t blame him. The ship had taken a beating during a skirmish along the neutral zone and, though what little damage that had been done to the engines had been promptly and lovingly repaired by Scotty, both the ship and the crew were in need of a break. The crew was exhausted and irritable and even Spock’s Vulcan patience was being stretched thin, though only someone who knew him could tell.

They had been on their way to the newly completed Starbase Vejovis, which, on top of harboring pristine, up-to-date medical and research facilities, also had the benefit of orbiting an exquisite class M planet. The temperate little jewel of a planet was the perfect place for much needed shore leave, boasting beautiful beaches and exotic landscapes to be explored.

Spock had been particularly invested in this stopover since the starbase was hosting the ISTC, a Science and Technology conference which, apparently, would play host to some very distinguished and formidable minds.

Kirk would have preferred Spock to join him on the planet for a little rest and relaxation - with a healthy dose of vigorous love-making on the side - but had finally conceded to himself that anything that could get Spock to feel barely contained excitement was a worthy endeavor.

“Jim, this is a very great opportunity to exchange information and new ideas with scientists renowned in their fields. Dr. Efigenia Ayara has fascinating new theories on the imbalance of baryonic matter and antibaryonic matter in the observable universe.” Spock said, finishing with a pulling tight of his features which meant he was mildly embarrassed by the unseemly enthusiasm in his voice.

“That’s… Interesting.” Kirk had said with a smirk.

Now they were being diverted from their intended course in order to pick up the apparently very important Theian Ambassador, Ogan Zwi, in order to ferry him back to his home planet in what was clearly a bid to curry favor with Theia by catering to the whims of its ambassador. Any ship could have taken him home but he had expressed a strong interest in one of the Federation’s finest ships - and the people who crewed her - and so the Enterprise had been ordered to pick him up despite Captain Kirk’s protests.

Spock stoically accepted that he would miss the conference and kept his peace but Kirk was furious on behalf of his weary crew. Nonetheless, Kirk drew his lips into a welcoming smile as the small group of Theians materialized on the transporter platform.

At first glance the Theians seemed, as was the case with many of aliens they met, quite human. The longer he stared at them, though, the less human they seemed. They had dark hair, were very thin, and had pale, almost translucent skin that would have made them look sickly if not for the vibrancy of their eyes. They all had large, bright violet eyes that seemed both discerning and child-like at the same time.

Kirk found himself intrigued, his tight smile becoming more sincere as he stepped forward to meet them.

“Greetings Ambassador Zwi. I’m Captain James Kirk, this is my First Officer, Spock,” Spock dipped his head in acknowledgement, “And we welcome you aboard the USS Enterprise.”

The stately ambassador stepped down to face Kirk, his rich silk robes shuffling around his slim figure. He had very high cheekbones, hair streaked with silver, and dark, thick eyebrows that would have made his face look severe if not for the twinkling of his eyes.

“Ogan, please.” he corrected, and then half turned to the woman behind him, “This is my wife, Ariz.”

The woman came to stand at Ogan’s side and Kirk felt his breath catch in his throat. He had noticed her immediately when the Theians first appeared but now that she was right in front of him, gazing at him with her deep violet eyes, he had to admit to himself that she was an unusually beautiful woman. The corners of her full lips turned up in a sweet smile as she moved closer to him. She wore a low-cut gown of the same rich silk as her husband but it was a lovely shade of pale lavender.

“I am very pleased to meet you.” Kirk said, dipping in a small bow to Ariz. “Mr. Spock will show you to your quarters and when you’re feeling refreshed I would be delighted to give you a tour of the ship.”

He made sure to look at Ogan and not Ariz when he made his offer but it was Ariz who answered, laying a slender hand on Kirk’s arm. “We would like that, Captain. Thank you for your kindness.”

“Please, call me Jim.” Kirk said, his smile going softer and his eyes sparkling. Kirk felt Spock go tense next to him and moved so that his arm brushed Spock’s, hoping the gesture reassured him. “Spock?” He said.

“This way, please.” Spock said, gesturing for the Ambassador and his people to follow him. Kirk watched them file out, and smiled pleasantly when one of the younger looking Theians, probably some kind of aide or a secretary to the ambassador, gave him a nervous little smile.

_Well, this isn’t so bad. They seem like an intelligent and well-mannered people. And what a captivating woman…_

He might be in a committed relationship with a man but that didn't mean he couldn't admire the striking beauty of the alien woman, he told himself as he left the transporter room.

It turned out that Ogan was more inclined to nap than to explore at the moment so he sent his wife on her own for the promised tour. She had slipped into a more casual dress made from a flowy, gauze-like material, and a perfume that smelled sweet like jasmine wafted off of her pale skin. She hooked her arm in Kirk's and nodded in rapt attention as he spoke, seeming to hang on to every word he said.

About halfway through the tour he began to feel as if the sweet scent of her perfume was disorienting him.

“May I see the bridge?” She asked, gazing up at him.

“Yes, of course. That was the next stop.” Kirk found himself saying, even though that was not the case and he had actually been leading her toward the hydroponics lab. Her eyes went wide with child-like delight.

_What am I doing? Why do I feel as if I couldn’t tell this woman no?_

Kirk led Ariz out of the turbolift and onto the bridge and she clutched his arm a little tighter and gasped softly.

“How magnificent! This is a fine ship you have, Captain.” She said, descending to the lower level and coming to a stop just behind Chekov and Sulu. Kirk joined her, smiling down at her as she peered curiously over Sulu’s shoulder at the helm controls.

Kirk glanced around and then suppressed a grin when he caught sight of Scotty beaming at them from the engineering station. Any compliment to the ship pleased the man immensely and he was not shy about showing it. When Kirk turned to the science station Spock was staring a little too intently into his viewer, his back curved languidly but his shoulders rigid. Kirk was suddenly struck by the need to be near him.

He sprang lightly up the steps to the upper level of the bridge and strode over to Spock, who continued to gaze attentively into the viewer, its cool light illuminating his sharp, strong features. Kirk leaned close to him.

“Spock.” Kirk said, his voice low and his tone confidential.

Spock straightened up immediately and took a small step back, gazing into Kirk’s eyes with the impassivity he always wore when he was on duty.

“Yes, Captain?” He replied, matching Kirk’s tone.

Kirk’s voice went even lower. “Will you be joining me in my cabin tonight? I could give you a massage. You look tense.” He let a faint smile play across his lips and leaned almost imperceptibly forward as he spoke.

An eyebrow rose up toward Spock’s hairline as he answered. “I assure you, Captain, I am not ‘tense’, and if I were I could easily utilize Vulcan meditation techniques to dispel said tension.” The eyebrow drifted back down as he continued. “As for coming to your cabin, I have several personal projects that I would like to attend to in the labs tonight and so I will be unable to join you.”

Kirk sighed. During the past couple weeks he and Spock had not had much free time to spend together and Kirk was starting to sorely miss his bondmate's company. Also, he had to admit to himself, he was becoming sexually frustrated. The stress and excitement on board lately had done nothing to slow down his libido and he wanted Spock back in his bed, though he would not pressure him. He would have to wait.

_What else can I do?_

“All right, Spock.” Kirk nodded, giving Spock’s arm a light squeeze before turning away to rejoin Ariz. Ariz had one slender arm draped across Chekov’s shoulders and was pawing playfully at Sulu’s chest, but when she saw Kirk approaching she quickly slipped away from the two men and linked her arm in Kirk’s again.

He led her off of the bridge, resisting the urge to look back at Spock.

*

Kirk couldn’t help but feel a little bit resentful at spending yet another night alone but, being the kind of man who is only really happy when he has something to do, Kirk set about keeping himself busy. First off, he took a shower, determined to satisfy his own need if Spock wouldn’t do it for him. After a lackluster release of his pent up desire he donned some loose, comfortable clothes, picked his PADD up off of his desk, and carried it over to his bed. He sat down and made himself comfortable and then activated the device.

There were always reports to be filled out, requests to be approved or denied, and messages to be sent, and Kirk gave himself up to this endeavor, happy for the distraction. He threw himself into it, his mind whirling with thoughts that had mercifully little to do with loneliness and discontent. 

He drifted…

Kirk jumped a little when he realized he had been staring blankly at the glowing screen of his PADD for the past five minutes. He let the device drop to his bed, an almost alarmed look in his eyes. His thoughts had certainly wandered.

_Damn._

In his mind he saw violet eyes and smelled sweet perfume. Something in him stirred.

_Ariz._

Kirk had no doubt that the woman was sexually attracted to him. The way her gentle hands had moved over his arms, his chest… There had definitely been desire in her eyes when she gazed at him.

_Of course, she seemed just as interested in Chekov and Sulu on the bridge today. Still…_

A plan was forming in Kirk’s head. He was a man of action, a man who liked to be in control. If he was unhappy with the way things were right now then it was time to take control. Time to act.

_Tomorrow will be different._

Having made a decision, Kirk picked up his PADD and sent off one more message, just a couple of lines to set his plan in motion. That being done, he settled into his lonely bed, lowered the lights, and promptly fell asleep.

*

With twenty minutes left until his duty shift started Kirk commanded the computer to locate the ambassador and his wife and then, learning that they were in a recreation room on deck three, straightened his uniform and hurried out of his cabin.

When he found them they were seated at a table, the ambassador engaged in an animated conversation with Sulu. As he approached them he noticed that under the table Ariz was gently stroking Sulu’s leg with her foot, and Sulu was continuing the conversation with her husband as if he didn’t notice a thing.

_Ah, Sulu. Nerves of steel, that one._

“Captain! I was just wondering when I would have the pleasure of your company.” The ambassador called out with a smile upon seeing him.

“Well, I don’t have long until I go on duty but I wanted to check and make sure that you’ve settled in and are enjoying your stay aboard my ship.” Kirk smiled back, taking a seat across from him.

“I am enjoying myself immensely! Hikaru here has been telling me interesting stories of some of your old Earth customs. You have much lore and many songs dedicated to love, I am pleased to say. We were both about to try and convince the lovely Nyota to regale us with a love song.”

This drew an enthusiastic response from all present and people immediately began to shout out suggestions while Uhura grinned and shifted in her chair at the next table over.

A handsome young ensign who had been quietly strumming a guitar in a corner approached her and suggested “How about Beyond Antares? I love hearing you sing that.”

Uhura’s warm cat eyes seemed to devour him for a moment before she purred out “All right. Have a seat, Mister. But just this one song or I’ll be late for my shift.” She winked over at Kirk.

The man sitting next to her vacated his seat and the young ensign sat down, adjusting his guitar and then looking expectantly at Uhura. The room fell silent. Kirk noticed that when Uhura’s honeyed voice started to flow through the room Ogan gazed lovingly over at Ariz.

Ariz smiled fondly at him and next to her Sulu gave a small jump. Kirk's eyebrows went up when he realized one of her hands was still on top of the table but the other had snaked beneath it in Sulu's direction. Kirk wondered if Ogan had any idea what his wife was up to and after studying the man for a few long moments he decided that, yes, he must. He was obviously very fond of his wife but he didn't seem like the type of man who was capable of blissful ignorance. He had the appearance of someone who saw and understood everything yet chose to appear as if he was lost in himself. 

He wondered if Ogan and Ariz had some kind of agreement, perhaps an open marriage. It wouldn’t have surprised him. Kirk had Ogan pegged as a sensualist. He seemed to be thoroughly enjoying the song and watched Uhura with obvious appreciation.

_"I'll be back, though it takes forever:_  
 _Forever is just a day!_  
 _Forever is just another journey,_  
 _Tomorrow a stop along the way."_

Kirk’s attention turned back to the music and though he was tempted to remain for the whole performance he knew his time was short. He stood, nodded a farewell to Ogan, and then caught Ariz in a smoldering stare before slowly backing away. Then, clasping his hands behind his back, he turned and walked out the door.

He made his way toward the observation deck, his pace painfully slow given the amount of energy that was coursing through him. His body was humming with nervous tension and his heart skipped a beat as he paused in the doorway that led onto the deck and heard the faintest of footsteps behind him.

_Ariz... I hope this doesn't blow up in my face._

For a moment Kirk saw Spock clearly in his mind, felt the warmth of his presence, heard the deep rumble of his voice. He even imagined he could smell the faintly spicy smell of Spock’s skin. Memory threatened to overwhelm him and his chest tightened painfully for moment. _Spock… I miss you._ Kirk sighed deeply, resisting the urge to reach out across the bond just to feel Spock for a moment. He let the sharp twinge pass through him, made a determined effort to clear his mind, and walked onto the observation deck. 

He knew Ariz was following closely behind.

He smelled her sweet perfume as she came to stand at his side. He didn’t turn to her right away, but continued to gaze down at the flight deck. Seeing the unflagging bustle of his crewmen who, like him, felt the need to make themselves useful no matter how slow the mission made his heart a little lighter, made him feel a little more sure of himself.

“Beautiful, your ship.” Ariz said softly.

“Yes.” Kirk agreed.

They were quiet for some time before Ariz broke the silence again.

“It must be lonely leading a life such as yours. Always moving, traveling. Having to bear up under so much pressure. Shouldering so much responsibility." Here she stopped and turned to him. "Are you lonely, Jim?”

Back in the transporter room he had mentioned that Ariz could address him as Jim, but hearing her say it now in her saccharine voice, alone with each other in front of one of his favorite views, unsettled him. He recovered quickly, though.

“This ship is my home and the crew is like family to me, so I think that makes it easier.” Kirk paused and then thought about Spock and the bewildering gulf that was threatening to open up between them before he continued, “But yes, it can be lonely.”

He turned to face her, finally, and she stepped closer and placed a hand on his upper arm, curling and uncurling her slender fingers in a stroking gesture. Her silky black hair was coiled in intricate braids around the back of her head but one small wisp of hair had fallen down toward her eyes, giving her the appearance of a woman about to come undone. Her full lips parted slightly as she gazed up at him and Kirk’s breathing deepened.

_Damn her perfume! It’s addling my brain._

“You know, Jim, our species are a lot alike.”

“Yes, I think they are. But there are some very notable differences.”

“Yes? Such as…?” Ariz asked, her voice melting into a murmur as she pressed her soft figure up against Kirk’s athletic body. He took a deep breath.

“Well, for instance, your eyes. I’ve never seen a human being with eyes like yours. The only other time I’ve seen anything quite so beautiful was when I was staring into the Suadela Nebula.”

Ariz snaked her free hand behind Kirk and nestled it in the small of his back, pulling herself more firmly against him. “Yes?” It was breathy and hot.

“Yes. Suadela… Swirling indigo and lavender collapsing into rich blue... It’s one of the most spectacular sights in the universe. I’d take you there if I could. I would show it to you.” Kirk said, his voice going deeper as he inclined his head toward her.

“You should.”

“I am at the ambassador’s disposal, and I doubt he would approve.” Kirk flashed Ariz a somewhat wry grin and pulled back a little, wondering if the mention of her husband would cause her pause. It didn’t.

“Mmmm. Are there not other things you would like to show me?” She said, pulling him back toward her.

“I believe there are.”

And then Ariz had both arms flung up around his neck and was pulling him down to her, moist lips parting in anticipation as desire and violet flame danced in her eyes.

There was a beep from the intercom panel near the door and a moment later Uhura’s mellifluous voice filled the air. “Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

For a moment the two stood frozen, but then Kirk gently pulled out of the warm embrace and strode over to the intercom, impatiently jabbing at a button.

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, you are needed on the bridge.” Uhura informed him.

“Acknowledged. I’m on my way.” He sighed and then turned back toward Ariz. “I’m sorry. Duty calls.”

“I understand Captain. Another time?” She said sweetly, eyes burning hungrily into him.

Kirk bit his lip and smiled wistfully. He nodded his head and then turned, taking a moment to collect himself before heading to the bridge.

When he strolled off the turbolift and onto the bridge Uhura smirked at him and Kirk raised his eyebrows, his face adopting an expression of exaggerated innocence. As he turned toward the Captain’s chair he noticed Spock watching him. Spock had seen Kirk’s silent exchange with Uhura and was giving him a questioning look, head cocked endearingly to the side. Kirk swallowed hard and sat in the command chair, pointedly getting down to Ship business.

A little over two hours into the uneventful alpha shift Kirk was signing his name to a document with an unnecessary flourish born of boredom when Uhura piped up.

“Captain, the Theian Ambassador is requesting permission to join you on the bridge.”

Kirk chewed his bottom lip for a moment and then, without turning around, said “Permission granted.”

_Here we go…_

Not long after that the turbo lift opened and, after taking a deep breath, Kirk stood and turned to greet the Ambassador. “Ambas- Ogan.” Kirk corrected himself, remembering the Ambassadors insistence that he use his first name. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Captain, I must speak to you about a matter that is important to me.” the Ambassador said, his face calm but his eyes seeming to pierce into Kirk.

“Please.” Kirk said, nodding his permission for the Ambassador to speak. He hoped the look on his face was calm and attentive and did not betray the racing of his heart.

“I’m sure you would prefer to keep to your schedule as much as possible but I was wondering if we might make a small delay.”

“A delay?” Kirk asked, allowing his face to express the barest hint of surprise.

“Yes. It has come to my attention that there is a particularly resplendent Nebula which I believe is not too far off of our course, and I would very much like to see it. It is called the Suadela Nebula. Have you heard of it?”

“I have, actually, and I agree that it's a splendid sight.” Kirk said, now wearing his best poker face. He suddenly became aware that Spock was frozen at his station, intently watching their exchange.

“I am in no particular hurry to get home, so as long as it would not interfere with your timetable I would appreciate the opportunity to share such a sight with my wife.” Ogan said, smiling pleasantly.

“It wont inconvenience us at all, actually, and I’m sure many of the crew would be just as pleased to see it. Details regarding our arrival at the Suadela Nebula will be waiting in your cabin for you as soon as we plot out a course.” Kirk said, now returning Ogan’s smile.

“Thank you very much, Captain. I understand that you were meant to have a respite before you were diverted to pick us up, so I hope that this detour proves to be a more pleasant diversion for you and your crew.” Ogan said.

And damned if there wasn’t mischief twinkling in the old man’s eyes. Kirk had the feeling that Ogan knew perfectly well where his wife had gotten the idea and that he also knew Kirk belonged completely to another. A quick glance at Uhura told Kirk that she now fully understood the purpose of the message he had sent her the night before asking her to page him if he was late for his shift by more than a few minutes.

“I’m sure it will be, and it’s no trouble at all, Ogan. It’s not very far out of our way.” Kirk assured him.

_Ariz has more than met her match in this man, hasn’t she… Oh, Ariz, I hope you wont be too offended when I become so wrapped up in my duties that I can't find the time to entertain you. A starship captain is a busy man, after all._

Of course, from what Kirk knew of the woman, he was sure she'd be a good sport about it and would happily find her entertainment elsewhere as soon as she realized Kirk was out of her reach. He was thinking this when Ogan clapped him lightly on the shoulder and turned to go with a warm farewell. Ogan hadn’t been gone for thirty seconds when Spock stood up and, for the first time that morning, approached Kirk.

“Captain, I could not help but overhear your discussion with the Ambassador about our detour and-”

“Eavesdropping, Mr. Spock?” Kirk cut in.

Spock continued without acknowledging the interruption, “ - I would like to point out that a stop at the Starbase Vejovis would add only an additional four hours to our travel time at warp factor three.”

“Starbase Vejovis… Wait! What a happy coincidence! Isn’t there some kind of Science Conference going on there that you wanted to attend?” Kirk asked, unable to keep the smugness off his face. He couldn't help but be pleased with how smoothly his plan had gone.

“Sir, you are well aware of my… inclination to attend the conference so I see no point in feigning ignorance.” Spock said with great dignity.

“Very well. I’m sure I can cook up some reason for dropping you off there. We’ll just pick you up on the way back after the Ambassador and his lovely wife have had their fill of nebula-gazing and you’ve had your fill of science talk.” Kirk’s grin faded into an affectionate smile, his eyes going soft.

“Thank you, Captain.”

 _Anything for you, Spock._ Kirk sent the thought surging into Spock, along with all his love and longing and as much reassurance as he could muster after so many lonely nights.

_Anything. I love you._

For a moment Kirk thought Spock’s cool façade might crumble right there on the bridge but the Vulcan’s control wavered for only a moment before he pulled himself up straighter and gazed steadily into Kirk’s eyes. Then the fervent return of Kirk’s feelings poured through Spock’s mind into his and Kirk suddenly found that his heart was full to bursting. He saw that there had never been a reason to feel lonely, that Spock had been there with him all the time, as he always was, as he always would be.

_‘I cherish thee, my t'hy'la.’_

Spock gave Kirk the very faintest of smiles and then he walked back to his station as Kirk settled back into the captain’s chair.

“Lay in a course for Starbase Vejovis, Mr. Sulu. Warp factor three.”

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so ends my first Star Trek fic!
> 
> I had originally estimated that it would take a couple days to get this last chapter up but all it really takes with me is one person giving me a gentle nudge and I'm off like a shot. Sincere thanks to anyone who has taken the time to read this story through to the end!

Kirk was floating. He knew Ravai was somewhere near him, or somewhere near the discarded shell of his body, anyway, and that the man was angry. He caught bits and pieces of a conversation being carried on in strained tones, two voices rolling and cutting off and then rising up again in the echoing room.

"... still doesn't explain how they knew!"

"I don't know, but..."

"... we should have been invisible ..."

"As long as we remain within the nebula we _will_ be, but we can't stay here. Now..."

"Yes, sir!"

“There is very little time! Hurry..."

Kirk let himself drift, listening to the voices around him with mild interest.

“I’ve given him a half-dose of the counteractant. That should give you some time, Sir.”

The voices were becoming clearer, the words filtering more easily into his consciousness, though Kirk still felt strangely detached.

“Very well. Go assist Gavar with the repairs to the deflector shield and get that cloaking field restored!”

“Aye, sir.”

Then there was silence, almost an eternity of silence, it seemed, during which Kirk ghosted through a dim replaying of his memories. It was all so indistinct, recollections spinning circles around each other before colliding into confusing clouds of unreal images:

He was on the bridge of the Enterprise during a red alert and an Irishman named Finnegan was bearing down on him, cackling wildly. He was watching the main viewer as the wounded Romulan Commander bravely climbed to his feet to face death while Edith Keeler clutched Kirk’s arm and smiled up at him. He was a young boy, starving and being hunted and Spock was hovering over him, calling out his name. _“Jim.”_

Spock’s voice coming out of his communicator, worried, after a cave-in.

Spock, knocking him out of the way and taking poison darts to the chest.

“Captain.”

Spock. Spock. Spock. Spock, suddenly there in every memory throughout his life, as if he had always been there.

“Captain!”

Kirk realized he was firmly back in his body and groaned pitifully. “No.” he murmured, wanting so badly to return to his memories.

“Wake up, Captain. You must breathe. Yes. Open your eyes now.” Ravai was saying.

Kirk tried to comply. The voice was so gentle, tugging insistently at him, but his eyelids felt so heavy. His heart was making a low, listless music in his chest and he was entranced by it. Life, blood, flowing, ebbing... Sleep...

Someone was shaking him violently, the voice no longer gentle. The shaking did not hurt, there was no pain in this place, but the edges of his physical form suddenly became sharply defined, sucking him back into reality. His eyes flew open.

“Good. How do you feel, Captain?” Ravai asked, leaning over him. The man was so near him that Kirk could feel the heat of his body and yet he seemed to be fading out and drifting away. Kirk shook himself and tried to focus his vision.

“How do you feel?” Ravai repeated, infinite patience in his voice despite the tension radiating out of him.

Kirk took several long, deep breaths while he tried to process the question and his answer.

“I feel… Nothing. And everything, I think. I don’t know.” His voice was halting and slow and he hardly recognized it.

“That’s good. Better than feeling pain, hmm? Do you remember what it was like to feel pain?” Ravai asked.

Kirk did not have to think about his answer for very long this time. “No.”

“You will never feel pain again. You are safe.” Ravai said soothingly, smiling sedately at him. There seemed to be something radiant in that smile that made Kirk sure that he was telling the truth. He felt an overwhelming gratitude for being given this gift. _Safe. I am safe._ Something somewhere deep in him was protesting, casting out a barbed truth to snare him, but he darted away from it and gave himself up to the comforting warmth of the reassuring voice above him.

_I want to be safe. I am tired of fighting._

“Nothing can harm you now. Wouldn’t you like your friends to be free from harm as well? Your Doctor friend, your first officer, all of your crew, they are important to you. You care for them, hmm? You want them to be protected from the many dangers of the universe, don’t you? Safe?”

Kirk smiled at the thought of the brave souls on the Enterprise, his colleagues and friends. “Yes…”

He had a distant memory of the man above him being angry and hurting him but that was such a long time ago. Things had been different then. He had not been safe.

“You can see them again, you know. I can make that happen. I can do that for you.” Ravai’s voice was so earnest, so concerned. "They need you, Captain." Kirk felt a warmth blooming in his chest and wanted so badly to reach out to this man who offered him everything he could ever want. He reached but something was holding him back. He tugged groggily but could not bring himself to give it too much thought.

_To be with them again! To be with Spock! To be safe and loved and needed and to never again feel pain!_

“Yes, please.” Kirk whispered.

“I will take you to them but you must tell me something. This is very important, Captain, and I need your help. Will you help me?” The face above his was strained with worry, the voice poignant. Kirk tried again to reach out to him but once again found that he was bound to the spot. _Strange. Don’t like it._

“Yes! I’ll help you. What do you need? Tell me.” Kirk was gasping and laughing with joy. He would be with them soon, his lost friends.

“I need to find Prince Shovai and Princess Sanya. They are in danger and we must help them.”

Kirk was silent for a few long moments as his mind tried to make sense of this. A distant memory fluttered before his consciousness, more irritating than enlightening. He mentally swatted at it but then it slipped into place.

“But you… You wanted to kill them.” Kirk said, unease filling him. Could he be mistaken about this man? About all of this?

“I did because I was angry but I see now that I was wrong. There are still people who want to hurt them, though, Captain. We must stop this from happening. We must make them safe.”

Safe. That word again. Kirk’s soul rejoiced at that word. He wanted to reach out to the troubled man, to reassure him, but he could not. His wrists would not move.

“I… Yes. I…” Kirk was struggling now with something crucial but elusive.

“Tell me.”

“I… Ravai!” Kirk gasped as his wrists struggled beneath their bonds. 

Bonds. He was bound!

_I am a prisoner. The drug. This is not real. I must not. I am a prisoner!_

“Ravai, let me go. Ravai!” Kirk was becoming frantic and something hot and ferocious was swelling in his mind like a bubble about to burst.

“Captain, you must calm yourself.” He heard Ravai saying. That voice, that cruel, deceitful voice, it belonged to a pitiless monster.

If Kirk had been capable of thinking clearly he might have played the man for more time. He might have lied and playacted and manipulated for hours on end but the thoughts in his drug-addled brain were not coherent and instead of seeing the opportunity to survive a little longer he saw only the blinding red of rage that he should be so used and so helpless and so absolutely foolish.

“I WON’T! BASTARD! SON OF A BITCH, I WON’T! I CAN’T!” Kirk began to rage in a feverish paroxysm of fury.

Ravai simply stood up, face blank, and walked over to the IV stand. “You are of no use to me. Goodbye, Captain.” Was all he said, adjusting the IV so that what had been a slow drip became a steady stream of poison flowing home.

“I CAN’T! LET ME GO, YOU BASTARD!” Kirk’s screams echoed and distorted and rang through the air but Ravai just stood silently, arms crossed over his broad chest, his face cold.

The man never said anything else and Kirk raged until his words began to slur into meaningless noise, becoming, finally, nothing more than strangled moans. There was a moment before the darkness became complete when time seemed to slow to a stop.

Kirk spent a century, it seemed, examining the man who had destroyed his life, a man so cold and dead inside that Kirk could not imagine what pleasure he could possibly gain from living. He saw the silvery hair pulled back from the shrewd face and the hands clutching almost defensively at the folded arms and he felt pity for this man. Kirk wanted to ask the man why he bothered to struggle through each moment when his only reward was anger and emptiness.

Kirk spent a millennium in his head remembering his friends and bidding each of them farewell. He knew his face was aglow with rapture as he thought back on his life and he could not find it in himself to regret a single moment of it. Kirk had risen above his body again, the room fading into a much darker mist than he had known before. He welcomed it, embraced it. Ravai was gone, the metal bonds were gone, the entire room around him had dissolved.

_I am not afraid._

Yet there was terror in him, and an unbearable anguish coming from a presence somewhere deep inside him and yet impossibly far away. The presence was pressing toward him, pleading with him, clinging. He knew that it was Spock and for a moment he was relieved that he wouldn't be alone at the end, but then, realizing how close the end was, he pushed at the presence, shoving it away from him. He would not cling to Spock, however much comfort it might bring him. He would not drag Spock down with him.

_I’m sorry, t‘hy‘la. Goodbye._

There was a burst of unendurable agony at the edge of his consciousness. Then there was nothing.

*

Kirk was walking through a land of shadows and he was alone. He always knew it would be this way, that he would be alone at the end. That’s the only way it _could_ be.

Behind him there was movement in the dark, and muffled bangs and shrieks. Noises from life. The sound of pain and destruction. He did not look around but for a moment wished fervently that he might see Spock just once more before moving on. And he had to move on. There was a cold wind at his back urging him forward toward the endless dark. He knew he would find peace there but still he hesitated. It was too late to go back, he knew that. He was being foolish lingering here on the edge of the dark.

Indistinct shapes swelled and then ebbed all around him, so close and yet always too far away to touch. The vestiges of memory. It made him sad to see everything he had experienced, everything he knew reduced to murky shadows around him so he let the wind pull him forward with its icy fingers.

It was time to go. No point in lingering anymore.

_Goodbye._

“DOCTOR, NOW.” The voice cried, harsh and terrifying in the silence.

Kirk whirled around to find the source but saw only the twisting chaos of life far in the distance, bright and garish. He backed away from it, heart sinking.

_I wont go back there._

He was about to turn around when he saw something tumble through the far-away maelstrom into the bleak landscape of his shadow land. It was an inky smear that seemed to twist and bend in unnatural ways and Kirk wanted to run from it. It came closer, a swirling jumble of fierce emotion that reached out to him across the somber expanse with a terrifying intensity of need. It wanted him, wanted to wrap around him and pull him back toward his broken body.

Kirk turned, diving into the wind, and fled.

Ahead he could see the ragged edge of this twilight land and behind him he could feel the chaos-creature drawing nearer, still grasping desperately for him. He was afraid, and moved faster. 

_‘Jim! Please!’_

He stopped in his tracks very close to the edge. He was tired and it would be so easy to let the wind carry him forward, to finally sleep. He only need let himself go and he would fall into the cool, peaceful night, never to know sorrow or pain or loss again. But that voice... He knew that voice.

_‘Jim, do not leave me. I beg thee.’_

Kirk felt a moment of pure ecstasy. Then crushing doubt.

_Not possible. You can't be here._

Kirk turned and saw the tumultuous presence draw nearer, shifting and reforming to reveal the familiar planes of the beloved body of his bondmate. This was not chaos or darkness before him, but a blazing aurora of ardent love and endless devotion. He looked right into Spock’s deep brown eyes and the shock of passion he felt went soul-deep. He could just as easily fall into the depths of those eyes and forsake the dark, couldn’t he?

_‘I am here, t‘hy‘la, but you must come back with me. We can not stay here.’_

Kirk moved toward Spock, wanting nothing more than to crash into him with such force that they would swirl together and become one being, but something held him back. 

_Spock, you shielded yourself against me. You abandoned me. Why?_

Spock’s sorrow and regret was almost tangible.

_‘Forgive me! I was so affected by your pain that I could not do what needed to be done. I feared that I would not be able to focus on the task of finding you. I had to find you! Please forgive me!’_

Suddenly Kirk was struck by the fractured memory of a conversation between Ravai and one of his men. He had been so confused in his drugged state but he had definitely heard them speak of a cloaking field. If the ship had been cloaked then simply following the pull of the bond would not have been enough to get Kirk back. Spock would have needed to find a way to precisely locate and disable the ship before he could reach Kirk, and this without causing any serious damage to vital systems.

How Spock must have struggled with the need to be mentally connected to his bondmate and the necessity of using his razor-focus to slice through this problem... 

_I do. I forgive you._

Kirk shifted restlessly and gazed past Spock at the anarchic mess in the distance that represented life. He was finding it surprisingly difficult to move forward. Shouldn’t he want to live?

_I’m so tired Spock. I don’t how to..._

Spock’s eyes become indescribably sad.

_‘Where you go I will follow.’_

And Kirk knew he meant it. Spock had followed him in life and would follow him now into the dark. Kirk took in the immaculate figure. He drank up the sight of the tall, lean body, the neat cap of black hair, the delicately pointed the ears, the pale, green tinged skin, and he filled with longing. He could not condemn this extraordinary being to darkness.

_I can’t let you do that, Spock._

_‘You can not stop me.’_

Spock offered the coy arch of a slanted eyebrow. Kirk felt mirth bubbling up in him that could not be suppressed even by the cold darkness looming all around them. 

_Spock!_ It was an exclamation of joy and longing and it set the air around them vibrating with warm energy.

_‘Come.’_

One slender hand reached out to him, beckoning. Kirk closed his eyes and reached out his hand, sure but still afraid. His fear vanished when their hands touched and Spock’s urgency propelled him toward everything he had thought to leave behind. The wind rushed past them, growing warmer and louder.

 _‘Come!’_ Spock’s voice was urging him, his presence wrapping around Kirk and moving him along toward the noise and the light and the pain.

It was bright. So bright that the light blinded him more than the darkness had.

There was a familiar hiss against his neck. “All right, Spock! If you're done working your Vulcan voodoo, get the hell out of the - OOMPH!”

There was a thud and a sharp curse and when Kirk’s eyes finally adjusted he saw McCoy halfway across the room, climbing angrily to his feet. Kirk’s eyes moved to the table and on the edge of it he saw the Ksarra device, shattered into pieces as though someone with inhuman strength had crushed it.

“Spock…” Kirk croaked out.

Spock’s hands were gripping his shoulders with bruising force and his face was looming near Kirk’s, haggard and pale. Kirk couldn’t help but notice that he looked nothing as he had in the meld, his hair disheveled and his skin and uniform splattered with red.

_Blood?_

Kirk didn’t have time to examine him more closely because suddenly Spock was crushing him in a fierce embrace, rocking them both back and forth. There was a low keening sound coming from Spock, a rumbling deep in his chest, and it took Kirk a moment to realize that he was speaking Vulcan. Spock’s relief was flooding into him, his love and lingering fear smashing into him in waves, his body quaking uncontrollably against Kirk's.

Kirk realized he was shaking too, that his face was wet and his body was pulsating with pain from his battered chest and numerous cuts and bruises but he didn’t care. Spock would not leave him. He was truly safe now. Spock would never let him go.

“Yes, ashayam, you are safe now.” came Spock’s whisper in his ear. Kirk nuzzled into the warmth and security of Spock’s arms, his mind still spinning but his heart beating strong. Kirk almost whimpered when Spock pulled away from him and leaned him back down on the table.

“I will injure you…” He said, his arms releasing Kirk but his hands remaining on his shoulders. His face had calmed and now seemed filled with light.

It was then that Kirk became aware of his surroundings. He could smell sweat and urine and with a flush of shame realized that the odors were coming from his body but then something else drew his attention.

He stared past McCoy, who was looking wary and more subdued than Kirk had ever seen him, and his eyes came to rest on the floor. There, in a broken heap, was Ravai, pale hair clotted with blood and unseeing eyes wide in death. There was a disruptor near him on the floor and Kirk felt an intense surge of relief that Spock had not been injured. Ravai, the soulless fool, could not have known the danger of standing between a Vulcan and his bondmate. The heartless wretch could not have begun to comprehend what it meant to be so much a part of someone else, to have one's soul so steadfastly intertwined with another.

Whatever Ravai might have been earlier in his life he had allowed time and circumstance to twist him into something cruel and ugly and he had paid, finally, with his life.

Kirk looked up and saw that the metal door was hanging off its hinges and in the corridor outside there were more crumpled forms. He couldn’t tell if they were alive or not, though he thought he saw one of them twitching even as a security officer bent over the collapsed man.

“Spock?” Kirk hadn’t meant for it to come out a question.

Spock only leaned forward, pressing his forehead to Kirk’s, and said simply: “I thought that you would die.”

Kirk lifted his heavy arms and slung them around Spock’s neck, locking them together with every bit of strength he had left. There were people moving around in the room now but no one came near them. It was McCoy who finally stepped forward and spoke, though Kirk noticed that he stayed just out of arms reach.

“Spock, we need to get him back to the ship. He’s stabilized but he still requires medical attention.” McCoy gave Spock what he probably thought was an encouraging look and added, “Come on, Spock. It's over. He's going to be okay. Let’s get back to the ship.”

_Yes, take me home._

Kirk felt himself being lifted up by strong arms that cradled him delicately. Then there was the chirp of a communicator, and he heard soothingly familiar voices as he drifted into a shallow sleep. He knew that when he woke he would be back where he belonged.

Home, on the Enterprise. Home, with the crew who had become his family.

Home, with Spock.


End file.
